We all know a lot and believe we know more than even that.    But to synthesize life’s wisdom into pithy and playful is true wisdom.  In my travels, I’ve come across a lot of true wisdom;  occasionally it has unwittingly come from my lips.    Here’s my collection for you to enjoy and use:

A

“When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.” – Marcel Achard

 

“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”  – Douglas Adams

 

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” – Douglas Adams

 

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”  – Douglas Adams

 

“Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

 

“Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth.” – Aesop

 

“The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.” – Noelie Alite

 

“Imitation is the sincerest form of television.” – Fred Allen

 

“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart. – Fred Allen

 

“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen

 

“Life is fully of misery, loneliness and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

 

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past. – Woody Allen

 

“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?” – Woody Allen

 

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.” – Woody Allen

 

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” – Woody Allen

 

“Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?”  – Woody Allen

 

“What if we are all victims of a mass delusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”  -Woody Allen

 

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.  – Woody Allen

 

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens – Woody Allen

 

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.  – Woody Allen

 

“There are three kinds of death in this world. There’s heart death, there’s brain death, and there’s being off the network.”  – Guy Almes

 

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” – Jeremy S. Anderson

 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou
“I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” – Maya Angelou

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
“Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.” – Maya Angelou

“I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe” – Ano

 

“The Problem with Reality is the lack of background music” – Anonymous

 

“The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.” – Anonymous

 

“You need an example of the relativity of time? Between a teenager’s ages of 12 and 17, a parent ages as much as 20 years.” – Anonymous

 

“If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.”  – Anonymous

 

“An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.”  – Anonymous

 

“Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates…”    – Anonymous

 

“Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.”  – Anonymous

 

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.”  – Anonymous

 

“Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.”  – Anonymous

 

“If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”  – Anonymous

 

“The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new  theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.”  – Anonymous

 

“I don’t know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.”  – Anonymous Chinese student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989

 

“Guide to understanding a Net-addict’s day:

  • Slow day: didn’t have much to do, so spent three hours on Internet.
  • Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Internet.
  • Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Internet.”

– Anonymous

 

“He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly  said, “You’re the boss.”  – Anonymous

 

“This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received  raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.”  – Anonymous

 

“Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.”  – Anonymous

 

“Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?”  – Anonymous

 

“We trained hard – but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.”  – Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

 

“My good intentions are completely lethal.” – Margaret Atwood

 

B

“There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.”  – Johann Sebastian Bach

 

“A small town is a place where there’s no place to go where you shouldn’t.” – Burt Bacharach

 

“Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.” – Francis Bacon

 

“The role of the artist, then, precisely, is to illuminate that darkness, blaze roads through the vast forest, so that we will not, in all our doing, lose sight of its purpose, which is, after all, to make the world a more human dwelling place.” – James Baldwin

 

“Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.”  – Russell Baker

 

“Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don’t work, those that break down, and those that get lost.”

– Russell Baker

 

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.

 

“I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:

  • Both of your socks should always be the same color
  • Or they should at least both be fairly dark

– Dave Barry

 

“In the past decade or so, the women’s magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.” – Dave Barry

 

“Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”

– Dave Barry

 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

– Dave Barry

 

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting – Dave Barry

 

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.  – Dave Barry

 

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. – Dave Barry

 

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. – Dave Barry

 

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. – Dave Barry

 

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. – Dave Barry

 

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. – Dave Barry

 

“The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.” – Bernard Baruch

 

“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” – Ingrid Bergman

 

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it’s pupils.” – Hector Berlioz

 

“No wonder nobody comes here–it’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

 

“Never moon a werewolf.” – Mike Binder

 

“After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.” – Bits & Pieces

 

“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.” – Ed Bluestone

 

“An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.” – Niels Bohr

 

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ” – Erma Bombeck

 

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck

 

“History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

 

“You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.” – Elayne Boosler

 

“I am about to–or I am going to–die; either expression is used.” – Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words

 

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.” – Alison Boulter

 

“Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.” – Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review

 

“Always behave like a duck–keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.” – Jacob Braude

 

“Basic research is when I’m doing what I don’t know what I’m doing.” – Wernher Von Braun

 

“He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.” – Bertolt Brecht

 

“A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” – David Brinkley

 

“If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.” – Beau Brummel

 

“The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself.” – Edward Bulwer-Lytton

 

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle

 

“Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” – George Burns

 

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

 

“Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

 

C

“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” – Al Capone

 

“Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.”

– Al Capp

 

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”

– George Carlin

 

“I read ’50 Things To Do Before You Die’.   I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help.” –  Jimmy Carr

 

“Teach a parrot the terms “supply and demand” and you’ve got an economist.” – Thomas Carlyle

 

“A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.” – Thomas Carruthers

 

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson

 

“Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock.” – Wynn Catlin

 

“Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov

 

“Journalism consists largely in saying “Lord Jones died” to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” – G. K. Chesterton

 

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” – G. K. Chesterton

 

“I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.” – G. K. Chesterton

 

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” – Tom Clancy

 

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

– Rich Cook

 

“Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.”  – Billiam Coronel

 

“Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners.” – E. Joseph Cossman

 

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget is once.” – E. Joseph Cossman

 

“There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry” – George Armstrong Custer

 

D

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

 

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962

 

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”  – Ellen DeGeneres

 

“This compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. Half the tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles of water on the floor. Digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?”  – Disclaimer on a CD

 

“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli

 

“Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the in-laws.”  – Ken Dodd

 

“I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.” – Alexandre Dumas

 

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” – Isadora Duncan

 

“Trust everybody, but cut the cards.” – Finley Peter Dunne

 

E

“Never judge a book by its movie.”

– J.W. Eagen

 

“That’s the nature of research-you don’t know what in hell you’re doing.”

– ‘Doc’ Edgerton

 

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.” – Albert Einstein

 

“It is easier to denature plutonium than denature the evil spirit of Man” – Albert Einstein

 

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.” – Albert Einstein

 

“If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research, would it?” – Albert Einstein

 

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

 

“If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.” – Albert Einstein

 

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” – Albert Einstein

 

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” – Albert Einstein

 

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

 

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”

– Albert Einstein

 

If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself. – Albert Einstein

 

A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. – Albert Einstein

 

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. – Albert Einstein

 

Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” – Albert Einstein

 

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

 

“Three Rules of Work: 1. Out of clutter, find simplicity. 2. From discord, find harmony. 3. In the middle of difficulty lays opportunity.” -Albert Einstein

 

“Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.” – T. S. Eliot

 

“The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogren and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

 

“Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.’ – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

“Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

“I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” – English Professor, Ohio University

 

“We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen more and talk the less.” – Epictetus

 

“Epperson’s law:  When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.”

 

“You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you’ll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you’ll probably become a physicist.”  – Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course

 

F

 

“I think, therefore I’m single.” – Female philosopher

 

“We have a habit in writing articles published in scientific journals to make the work as finished as possible, to cover up all the tracks, to not worry about the blind alleys or describe how you had the wrong idea at first, and so on. So there isn’t any place to publish, in a dignified manner, what you actually did in order to get to do the work.” – Richard Feynman

 

“Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn’t matter. Explore the world. Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into it deeply enough.”  ― Richard P. Feynman
“Fall in love with some activity, and do it! Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn’t matter. Explore the world. Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into it deeply enough. Work as hard and as much as you want to on the things you like to do the best. Don’t think about what you want to be, but what you want to do. Keep up some kind of a minimum with other things so that society doesn’t stop you from doing anything at all.” –  Richard Feynman
“The highest forms of understanding we can achieve are laughter and human compassion.”  –  Richard Feynman
“Physics isn’t the most important thing. Love is.” –   Richard Feynman

 

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” – W.C. Fields

 

“Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.” – Malcolm S. Forbes

 

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” – Henry Ford

 

“Think you can, think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.” -Henry Ford

 

“One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow.” – Vincent T. Foss

 

“Work as if you were to live 100 years; pray as if you were to die tomorrow.” -Benjamin Franklin

 

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” – Robert Frost

 

G

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.” – Gandhi

 

“I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is – I could be just as proud for half the money.” – Arthur Godfrey

 

“Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.” – King George V

 

“Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

“A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.” – Sidney Goff

 

“America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.” – Bobcat Goldthwait

 

“It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn’t charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.” – Jane Goodsell

 

“A man who hoards up riches and enjoys them not is like an ass that carries gold and eats thistles.” – Armistead Gordon

 

“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like you passport photo.” – Al Gore

 

“When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” – Marquis De La Grange

 

“Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.” – Colin Greene

 

“These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.” – Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995

 

“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard

 

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”  – Sacha Guitry

 

H

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

 

“Cute little babies that fall out of swings – These are a few of my favourite things.” – Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from “The Sound of Music”

 

“It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. they’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.” – June Henderson

 

“You’re in bad shape when your emotions force you into acts which you know are foolish.” – Robert A Heinlein

 

“Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.” – Baendan Hills

 

“I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.” – Joel Hodgson

 

“It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.”  – John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

 

“Naggers always know what they are doing. They weigh up the risks, then they go on and on and on until they get what they want or until they get punched.” – British rocker Jools Holland

 

“They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. Now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.” – Billie Holliday

 

Knowledge and timber shouldn’t be used until they are seasoned. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr

 

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle that fits them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

 

“If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly.” – Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making

 

“Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover

 

“I remember my manager asking me when I was going to retire.   I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter.   He said: ‘That never stopped you before.’” –  Bob Hope

 

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.” – Aldous Huxley

 

I

“Call on God, but row away from the rocks.” – Indian proverb

 

“Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.” – Bob Inglis, 1995

 

“2,400,000 Americans play the accordian – hopefully not at the same time.” – inside of a Pepsi cap

 

J

“Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?” – Holbrook Jackson

 

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Rich Jeni

 

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Rich Jeni

 

“I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am.” – Samuel Johnson

 

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Thomas Jones

 

K

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty, – that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.” -John Keats

 

“One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.” -Helen Keller

 

“Now is the time for all good men to come to.” – Walt Kelly

 

“The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time.” – Leo Kennedy

 

“We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.” -Rudyard Kipling

 

“An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.” – Alfred A. Knopf

 

“The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.” – Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

 

“If you look like your passport photo, you’re too sick to travel.” -Will Kommen

 

L

“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.”   – Doug Larson

 

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”   – Andrew Lang

 

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”

– Matt Lauer, on NBC’s “Today” show, August 22, 1996

 

I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?  – Amanda Lear

 

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”  – Fran Lebowitz

 

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk.”

– Fran Lebowitz

 

“You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.” – Stanislaw J. Lec

 

“He who limps is still walking.”- Stanislaw J. Lec

 

I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I’m one of those people.”

-John Lennon

 

“Living is easy with eyes closed…”   -John Lennon

 

“I don’t intend to be a performing  flea anymore. I was the dreamweaver, but although I’ll be around I don’t intend to be running at twenty-thousand miles an hour trying to prove myself. I don’t want to die at forty.”

-John Lennon

 

“My defenses were so great. The cocky rock and roll hero who knows all the answers was actually a terrified guy who didn’t know how to cry. Simple.”  -John Lennon

 

“If everyone would demand peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.” -John Lennon

 

“If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or my music, then in that respect you can call me that… I believe in what I do, and I’ll say it.” -John Lennon

 

“Possession isn’t nine-tenths the law, its nine-tenths the problem.”  -John Lennon

 

“I always was a rebel… but on the other hand, I wanted to be loved and accepted… and not just be a loudmouth, lunatic, poet, musician. But I cannot be what I am not.” – John Lennon

 

Q:  How did you find America?   A: We turned left at Greenland.    -John Lennon

 

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we’re being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I’m liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That’s what’s insane about it.    -John Lennon

 

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.  -John Lennon

 

I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?   -John Lennon

 

I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It’s just that the translations have gone wrong.   -John Lennon

 

The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that’s making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?   -John Lennon

 

Music is everybody’s possession. It’s only publishers who think that people own it.    -John Lennon

 

“Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.”  -John Lennon

 

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality – John Lennon

 

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.  You either get tired fighting for peace, or you die.
– John Lennon

 

Music is everybody’s possession. It’s only publishers who think that people own it.  Possession isn’t nine-tenths of the law. It’s nine-tenths of the problem.         – John Lennon

 

We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it. – John Lennon

 

You’re just left with yourself all the time, whatever you do anyway. You’ve got to get down to your own God in your own temple. It’s all down to you, mate.         – John Lennon

 

“Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)”  – Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin

 

“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. ”   – John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987

 

“I envy people who drink — at least they know what to blame everything on.”   – Oscar Levant

 

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2) Advising the President.

3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ”

– David Letterman

 

“Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”   – Abraham Lincoln

 

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

 

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. – Abraham Lincoln

 

When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees. – Abraham Lincoln

 

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met. – Abraham Lincoln

 

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, its best to let him run. – Abraham Lincoln

 

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. – Abraham Lincoln

 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln

 

Labor is prior to, and independent of capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. – Abraham Lincoln

 

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. – Abraham Lincoln

 

“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. – Abraham Lincoln

 

“The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he makes so many of them.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, we must think anew and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. – Abraham Lincoln

 

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“Towering genius distains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored.” – Abraham Lincoln

 

“The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We’ll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95.”  – Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake

 

 

M

“The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.”  – Shirley MacLaine

 

“I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.”  – Doug MacLeod

 

“Consumers are statistics. Customers are people.”  – Stanley Marcus

 

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.”   – Groucho Marx

 

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”   – Groucho Marx

 

“I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”   – Groucho Marx

 

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”  – Groucho Marx

 

“Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”  – Groucho Marx

 

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.” – Groucho Marx

 

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”  – Groucho Marx

 

“We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.  And behind her stands his wife.”   – Groucho Marx

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel. – Groucho Marx

 

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes? – Groucho Marx

 

Time wounds all heels. – Groucho Marx

 

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. – Groucho Marx

 

Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.  – Groucho Marx

 

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

 

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx

 

All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats. – Groucho Marx

 

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it. – Groucho Marx

 

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?  – Groucho Marx

 

Funny, I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down. – Groucho Marx

 

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”   –  Groucho Marx

 

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.   – Groucho Marx

 

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.  – Groucho Marx

 

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.  – Groucho Marx

 

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.  – Groucho Marx

 

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

 

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. – Groucho Marx

 

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. – Groucho Marx

 

I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me. – Groucho Marx

 

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!   – Groucho Marx

 

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.  – Groucho Marx

 

There’s only one way to find out if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook. – Groucho Marx

 

There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!  – Groucho Marx

 

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.  – Groucho Marx

 

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse. – Groucho Marx

 

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason

 

“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.” – W. Somerset Maugham

 

“I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.” – Michael McShane

 

“Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir

 

“Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking”  – H. L. Mencken

 

“Criticism is prejudice made plausible.”  – H. L. Mencken

 

“After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.” – H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

 

“Even if it doesn’t work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action.” – Henry Miller

 

“My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin.”  – Milwaukee mayor, on why he became a politician

 

“I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving”  –  Miscellaneous

 

Take my advice—I’m not using it.   –  Miscellaneous

 

I’m over the hill, but the climb was terrific!   –  Miscellaneous

 

The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.   –  Miscellaneous

 

“I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.” – Nancy Mitford

 

“When you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner

 

“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.”  -Wilson Mizner

 

“Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come.”

– Montesquieu

 

“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.'” – Francois Morency

 

“Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing.” – Engineer’s Motto

 

“It’s not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It’s the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled “Occupant”.”

– Murphy’s laws of combat

 

N

“We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report.”

– Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa

 

“Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.” – John Von Neuman

 

“I don’t like country music.    But I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.    And for the people who like country music,  ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down’. “  –  Bob Newhart

 

“Woman was God’s second mistake.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

 

O

“I couldn’t remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand…”

– Peter Oakley

 

“There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.”

– Flannery O’Connor

 

“The last good thing to be written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon.”

– Jerry Olson

 

“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.”

– Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future

 

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.”

– Aristotle Onassis

 

“The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders.”

– P. J. O’Rourke

 

 

P

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching”

– Satchel Paige

 

Smile well and often, it makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.”

– Satchel Paige

 

“This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but hurled with great force.”

– Dorothy Parker

 

“The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor sons-of-bitches die for theirs.”

-George Patton

 

“A falsehood is an attempt to withhold the truth from those who have a right to know.”

-Laurence J. Peter

 

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in

that order.”

– Brian Pickrell

 

“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting someone else to do the work.’

– John G. Pollard

 

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired

feeling.”

– Paula Poundstone

 

“Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.”

– Polish proverb

 

 

R

 

“I base my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.” – Gilda Radner

 

“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.” – Tom Robbins

 

“Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, estatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion.”

– Fred Rogers, parody of “Row, row, row your boat” on his television show, “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

 

“It doesn’t matter if you’re on the right track, if you don’t move, you’ll get run over” – Will Rogers

 

“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” – Will Rogers

 

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

 

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” – Will Rogers

 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.” – Will Rogers

 

“We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” – Will Rogers

 

“I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this – no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.” – Will Rogers

 

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.” – Will Rogers

 

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” – Will Rogers

 

“If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.” – Will Rogers

 

“The schools ain’t what they used to be and never was.” – Will Rogers

 

“We should all be proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones. “ -Andrew A. Rooney

 

“Life is meant to be lived.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

 

“I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made.” -Franklin Delanor Roosevelt

 

“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

 

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing”

– Theodore Roosevelt

 

“The only man who makes no mistakes is the man who never does anything.” – Theodore Roosevelt

 

“When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.” – Theodore Roosevelt

 

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt

 

“I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!” – Theodore Roosevelt

 

“In life, as in a football game, the principle to follow is to hit the line hard.” – Theodore Roosevelt

 

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” – Mark Russell

 

“The only thing you will ever be able to say in the so-called ‘social’ sciences is: “some do, some don’t.” ” – Ernest Rutherford

 

S

“With age comes increasing skepticism.  To stay young, stay open to possibilities.”   – Michael Shames

“Anticipation is the whipped cream of life.”  – Michael Shames

‘Never ascribe to malice and forethought what can be explained by ignorance and stupidity”  – Michael Shames

“If it was perfect, my ex-wife hasn’t seen it.” – Michael Shames

“The Internet is a wonderful thing.  It enables to me have friends anywhere in the world, except apparently in my own town.”  –  Michael Shames

“Happiness is not a condition, it is a syndrome. Be phenomenal.” – Michael Shames (“Syndrome” has been used outside medicine to refer to a combination of phenomena seen in association)

“You’ll only be as happy as you allow yourself to be”. – Michael Shames

Note on refrigerator:  “The best goodies are inside, you just need to know how to open the door.”  – Michael Shames

“If not happy now, then when?” – Michael Shames

“A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.” – Michael Shames

“Happiness can’t enter a locked door, but it can be the key” – Michael Shames

“To choose or not to choose….tough choice.” – Michael Shames

“Heaven is the mind’s gift to the body.” – Michael Shames

“We are like water; if you aren’t flowing, you are stagnant” – Michael Shames

“A feeling outlasts words or looks. Give feelings freely.” – Michael Shames

“Differentiate between facts and beliefs. BELIEFS create friends and enemies — sometimes to the extreme behavior of not understanding one another, certainly not listening to and not “hearing” that other, and maybe needing to kill the other.”

– Michael Shames

“What IS so funny about peace, love and understanding?”  – Michael Shames

“The young remember all and know so little;  the old remember little but know so much.” –  Michael Shames

“If each day may be your last, make sure it counts.” – Michael Shames

“Cherish the sunrise – without it, your day will suck.” – Michael Shames

“Gloom is a shadow cast by fear. Reach for the joy radiating from behind the fear.”  – Michael Shames

“If you aren’t the lead dog, then the view isn’t pretty.” -Michael Shames

“Get rich quick. Do a kind deed for another.” – Michael Shames

“True wealth can’t be quantified.” – Michael Shames

“You can’t create your life, but you can design it.” – Michael Shames

“Others can build you up, but only you can tear you down.” – Michael Shames

“Life isn’t about arriving at your funeral in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, gin & tonic in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”   – Michael Shames wishes he came up with this one.

“Ignoring a life lesson is like being left back in school.” – Michael Shames

“Most people do their best. Your best role for others is that of cheerleader.” – Michael Shames

“Always assume your parents are watching. Always assume your kindergarten teacher is watching. Always wish that your kindergarten teacher was watching your parents.”

– Michael Shames

“Even if there’s no camera around, assume the film is rolling and you are the star.”  – Michael Shames

“If the road is bumpy, you’ve gotten a free amusement park ride.” – Michael Shames

“If you don’t stick your neck out, no one can kiss it.” – Michael Shames

“The more you travel, the more you learn about your home.” – Michael Shames

“If not happy now, then when?” – Michael Shames

“Work isn’t about money. Love isn’t about ownership.” – Michael Shames

“Dancing should be like making love standing up.” – Michael Shames

“When the lights shine brightest, dance as if it is dark.” – Michael Shames

“Dance and music are the forces that power our psyches.” – Michael Shames

“Embrace laughter even though it is addictive and contagious.” – Michael Shames

“Laughter addicts don’t need rehab.” – Michael Shames

“Laughter hurts? Revenge is sweet? No wonder we are screwed up.”   – Michael Shames

“I have yet to find a contract between a parent and child, believers and their god, a congregation and their leader and between good friends. “ – Michael Shames

“Time doesn’t stand still except in the presence of ecstacy.” – Michael Shames

“Change can be relentless or constant, depending upon your point of view.” – Michael Shames

“The wise listen; the ignorant talk.” – Michael Shames

“Integrity is not conditional. It doesn’t blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a person who won’t cheat, lie or fabricate then you have glimpsed true personal integrity. “  – Michael Shames.

“Truth is a reward to the patient and thoughtful; the others suffer a life of fear-based illusion.”  – Michael Shames

“Our economy must transition from information-based to one dedicated to the empowerment of the worker. Not workers…..there won’t be that many jobs. It’ll probably just be one worker. But a really good worker.”   – Michael Shames

“What do you mean that we don’t believe in euthanasia?  The role of the medical industry in this country is to kill people….they just do it as expensively as possible.”  – Michael Shames

“Women are………I dunno. Ask your mother.”  – Michael Shames

“Birth is a death sentence.”   –  Michael Shames

“To be successful in business, you have to make a lot of money and then realize that the money isn’t important. “  – Michael Shames

“China is a 5,000-year experiment. America is a 250-year beauty pageant. I’m going with age before beauty.”  – Michael Shames

“The old wives tale is starve a cold, feed a fever. Or, other wives want to drown a cold with chicken soup and starve a fever. I figured out it’s neither. You want to starve a cold and starve a fever. In fact, starving is a solution to a lot of problems, especially famine.”  – Michael Shames

“There are no structural solutions. Every problem is unique and solutions must be tailored. Just don’t use my tailor, he charges too much and his hems are uneven.”  – Michael Shames

“It’s important to remember that 80% of our country’s output is done by 20% of the workforce. The simply solution to Social Security underfunding is to charge only 20% of today’s workers to provide for 80% of the retirees. The other workers get to work for WalMart.”

– Michael Shames

“Forget the global village, it’s all about the local village. But what’s with all of the traffic lights?”  – Michael Shames

“The single biggest problem facing humankind is global climate change.  The second biggest problem is overpopulation. Regrettably, our biggest problem may go a long way to solving the second. “   – Michael Shames

“The body is a miraculous machine. If it is properly nourished and maintained, it will exceed everyone’s expectations, unless it is built by Buick or Chrysler. In which case, you are probably screwed.”  – Michael Shames

“There’s no such thing as getting old, only decrepit. People get the two confused, especially the decrepit, because they are almost always confused.”   – Michael Shames

“To errand is human, to forego, sublime”  – Michael Shames

“You know who really bother me? Complainers. They just complain and gripe and moan. Ugh!  I can’t stand them.”- Michael Shames

“The mastery of tennis requires one to align the hips with the shoulders, see the bottom of the ball, swing across the body, keep the knees bent and, most importantly, return every shot for a winner. If you do that, you might win a few games….not that winning is important.”

– Michael Shames

“How can God be dead. That’s absurd. She’s not dead, I know this because she talks to me everyday. She’s just so busy straightening out my messes that she doesn’t have time for anyone else.”   – Michael Shames

“The purpose of life is to serve as a model for future generations. Our successes and even our mistakes are all useful to them. And just to make sure they learn, my goal is to outlive them. “  – Michael Shames

“The most important thing to know is…….I forgot. But that just means it is too important a thing to stay in one place. “  – Michael Shames

“But I’ve learned a lot from my disabled clock. For instance, it is right twice a day…….which is more than I can boast. Anyone here right more than twice a day?”  – Michael Shames

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”   – Michael Shames

“A well-traveled road leads to a valued abode.” – Michael Shames

“Love is not a video game. Love is a full-body contact sport that is not for weenies. Love is bloody. Do you want to avoid confrontation? Love is not for you. Do you want to avoid hurt feelings? Love is not for you. Do you want predictability? Not with love. Weak stomach? Oooh,  don’t drink love potions.  Hate messiness? Love is messy.”   – Michael Shames

“Let’s face it, , we are consumerists run amok. The only thing we know how to save is receipts. Who needs Social Security when we’ve got credit cards. The AARP is more of a buying club than a special interest. The Internet has become a galactic swap meet.” – Michael Shames

“The movie E.T. wasn’t about an alien who bonds with a young kid. It’s about an alien with incredible healing and propulsion powers who couldn’t figure out a way to complete a phone call home. “Eliot, please phone home….I can’t figure it out”. If E.T. couldn’t figure out how to make a long distance call, does the human race have any hope of mastering a smart phone?”  – Michael Shames

“There’s an old adage that you get what you pay for. My writing is proof that you don’t always get what you pay for. Sometimes you get ripped off.” – Michael Shames

“Believing in an utcome is confidence, assuming that outcome is arrogance.”  – Michael Shames

“Feeling your age is an overreliance upon the calendar, to the exclusion of how you feel.”  – Michael Shames

“An anniversary is that day your hearts celebrate the highlights for which you labored and the dare to dream of the delights yet savored.” – Michael Shames

 

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”  – Charles Schultz

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ ”

– Charles Schultz – Charlie Brown

 

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—”   – John B. Sedgwick, general, dying words, 1864

 

“Love and stoplights can be cruel.”  -Sesame Street, U.S. children’s television show

 

“If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.”  – George Bernard Shaw

 

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?”  – Harry Shearer

 

“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.”  – Wilfred Sheed

 

“I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that.”

– E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic

 

“The philosophy exam was a piece of cake — which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.”  – Smith & Jones

 

“Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it’s worth more than gold”  -Mike Smith

 

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.”

– Socrates

 

“One death is a tragedy. One thousand deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin

 

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” – Gloria Steinem

 

“In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.” – Adlai Stevenson

 

“The Saint’s are the sinners that keep on trying.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

 

“Every exit is an entry somewhere else.” -Tom Stoppard

 

“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” – August Strindberg

 

“Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.” – Chip Salzenberg

 

“Members rise from CMG (known sometimes in Whitehall as ‘Call Me God’) to KCMG (‘Kindly Call Me God’) to .. the GCMG (‘God Calls Me God’).”

– Anthony Sampson – British writer and journalist – “Anatomy of Britain” Ch. 18.

 

“If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.” – Roy Santoro

 

“Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend.” – John Singer Sargent – US Portrait Painter.

 

“Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.” – George Saunders, dying words

 

“Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.” – Philippe Schnoebelen

 

“Television? No good will come of this device. The word is half Greek and half Latin.”  – C.P. Scott – British Journalist.

 

“It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.”  – Rod Serling

 

“The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press ‘OK’ first.”

– Sig of Arno Schaefer

 

“All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean – from that whole vast intuitive culture – are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labeled Sally and Peppy.”

– Peter Shaffer – British dramatist

 

“Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.”

– Wayne Shannon

 

“If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“If parents would only realize how they bore their children.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“Give women the vote, and in five years, there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“My mother married a very good man … and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.”

– George Bernard Shaw

 

“NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong.

GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.”

– George Bernard Shaw, “The Man of Destiny”

 

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?”

– Harry Shearer

 

“If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.”

– Wilfred Sheed

 

“The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away.”

– J. Falton Sheen, US Roman Catholic Archbishop referring to his contract for a television appearance.

 

“Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.”

– Richard Brinsley Sheridan – British dramatist – on being asked to apologize for calling a fellow MP a liar.

 

“The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle with ink.”

– Clement King Shorter – British journalist and critic

 

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” – Jimmy Shubert

 

“New York … is not Mecca. It just smells like it.”

– Neil Simon – US Playwright

 

“Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.”

– B.F. Skinner

 

“In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.”

– Yakov Smirnoff

 

“I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that.”

– E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic

 

“I am one of the unpraised, unrewarded millions without whom Statistics would be a bankrupt science. It is we who are born, who marry, who die, in constant ratios.”

– Logan Pearsall Smith – US Writer

 

“Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.”

– Malcolm Smith

 

“The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.” – Mike Smith

 

“What you don’t know would make a good book.”  – Sydney Smith

 

“He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe.” – Sydney Smith

 

“The philosophy exam was a piece of cake — which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.” – Smith & Jones

 

“Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it’s worth more than gold”  -Mike Smith

 

“Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains.”  – John Philip Sousa

 

“Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea – massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.”  – Gene Spafford

 

“Poor soul – very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death – eaten by missionaries – poor soul.”

– William Archibald Spooner – Oxford clergyman and academic

 

“Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!” – The Squirrels’ Motto (The “Hell’s Angels of Nature”)

 

“One death is a tragedy. One thousand deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin

 

“If I were to walk on water, the press would say I’m only doing it because I can’t swim.” – Bob Stanfield

 

“Be the kind of person your dog already thinks you are” –  Nancy Stanley

 

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” – Gloria Steinem

 

“A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.” – Prof. Steiner

 

“Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.” – Jon Stewart

 

“You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.”

– Jon Stewart

 

“I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.” – Jon Stewart

 

So, why would we work together? Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster? If the picture of us were true, of course, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable. Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own? We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!  – Jon Stewart

 

Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, liberals or conservatives. Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—but they do it–impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.  – Jon Stewart

 

Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey. But we do it anyway, together. – Jon Stewart

 

“The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.” – Jon Stewart

 

“People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings — they can become accustomed to read Lisp and Fortran programs, for example.” – Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press

 

“In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.”  – Adlai Stevenson

 

“While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don’t keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.”

– Edward Stevenson

 

“The Saint’s are the sinners that keep on trying.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

 

“Eternity’s a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end?”  – Tom Stoppard – Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

 

“I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” – August Strindberg

 

“Ninety percent of everything is crap.” – Theodore Sturgeon

 

“We can’t schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting” – Stanley Sutton

 

“This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks — to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls.” – Michael Swanwick, “Vacuum Flowers”

 

“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.” – Thomas Szasz

 

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– Seen in a .signature file

“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can’t.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Eagles may soar, but weasles don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Drive it like you stole it”

– Seen on a bumper sticker

“Men. You can’t live with them. You don’t have to.”

– Seen on a t-shirt

 

 

T

 

“The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”

– Elizabeth Taylor

 

“Church is only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members.”

– William Temple

 

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”

– Hunter S. Thompson

 

Our life is frittered away by detail… Simplify, simplify.

-Henry David Thoreau

 

“I hate women because they always know where things are.”

– James Thurber

 

“God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.”

– Benjamin Tillett

 

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

– Lily Tomlin

 

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

– Calvin Trillin

 

“If law school is so hard to get through… how come there are so many lawyers?”

– Calvin Trillin

 

“There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense.”

– C. Truesdell

 

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

– Harry S. Truman

 

“Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.”

– Harry S. Truman

 

“The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.”

– Mark Twain

 

“I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.”

– Mark Twain

 

“Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

– Mark Twain

 

“The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.”  – Mark Twain

 

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” –    Mark Twain

 

U

 

“A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents.”

– Unknown

 

“The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf.”

– Unknown

 

“The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.”

– Unknown history student

 

 

V

 

“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst

 

“Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.” – Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good

 

“Anything too stupid to be said, is sung.” – Voltaire

 

 

W

 

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”  – Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes

 

“If your professor wrote it, it’s as near to the truth as you ever need to get.” – John Watson, University of Canterbury

 

“If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?”  – Jenny Weber

 

“When women go wrong, men go right after them.” – Mae West

 

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.” – Mae West

 

“I don’t know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.” – E. B. White

 

“Whatever women do they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton

 

“Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.” – Doctor Who

 

“Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.” – Oscar Wilde

 

“Work is the curse of the drinking class.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“Music makes one feel so romantic – at least it always gets on one’s nerves – which is the same thing nowadays.” – Oscar Wilde

 

“Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“Biography lends to death a new terror.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”  – Oscar Wilde

 

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

 

“Make everyday your masterpiece.” –  John Wooden

 

“Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” –  John Wooden

 

“The most important word in our language is love.  The second is balance — keeping things in perspective.”  – John Wooden

 

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”  – John Wooden

 

“You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.“ – John Wooden

 

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax–tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”  –  Pearl Williams?

 

“I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.”  – Virginia Woolf

 

“For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.” – Virginia Woolf

 

“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.”  – Herman Wouk

 

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”  – Steven Wright

“What’s another word for “Thesaurus?””  – Steven Wright

“There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.”  – Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  – Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.  – Steven Wright

If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.  – Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?  – Steven Wright

I intend to live forever… So far, so good.  – Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?    – Steven Wright

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  – Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.  – Steven Wright

 

Y

 

“We didn’t send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions.  We sent you to represent us.”   – Kent York, Baptist minister to US Rep. Bill Sarpalius

 

 

Z

 

“Most rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.”  – Frank Zappa

 

“Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together….”   – Carl Zwanzig

 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.   – Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

I’m a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.  – Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

HOW SHIT HAPPENS

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves saying,

“It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervisors and said,

“It is a pale of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the supervisor went unto their managers and said,

“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the managers went unto their directors, saying,

“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,

“It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.”

And the directors went unto the vice presidents, saying unto them,

“It promotes growth and is very powerful.”

And the vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him,

“The new plan will promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.”

And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

And the plan became policy.

This is how shit happens.